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A NC Parody: First the Bronies, Now the Weebs
This is the latest installment of the NC Parody series. The first three were written all the way back in 2012 and it felt like it was time to revive the series. For right now, this is only an excerpt of the first act! Eventually I will post the full Act I, followed by the whole thing.' '''It is meant to see what people think and to get some input before the rest is finalized and posted. Let me know if there's something you want to see or don't like. Critical Reception Overall, reception is good I think. Don't quote me on that. Here are what some people had to say: "This story is like a car crash, if both cars were clown cars. You can't look away, and it's terrifying to imagine yourself in the same position, but you can't stop laughing." - Eno Remnant "He went ''where in the shower?" - Your grandma "It's a confused piece of literature, if you can even call it that." - Esteemed critic Cast # Ayo Chune, High Executor - Played by Ranthar Wayne # Quad Starstruck, Grand Admiral - Played by Rache Gauc aka Quill # Sam Hammich, Vice Admiral to Quad - Played by Scorched # Diddly Koara, Dictator of the Weebs - Played by Eno Remnant # Ulmec Shauer Thots, Grand Admiral of the Weebs - Played by Kyr # Bastion Smoke, Vice Admiral of the Weebs - Played by Magery # Stini Fam, Rogue Fleet Commander - Played by Volcano # Scoot, Failed K-4SO Droid - Played by Gnu Introduction It is the year 2623 and the union known as the Directorate is struggling to maintain its dominance within the galaxy. For over a century, the power and prestige of its Grand Armada were unmatched and unchallenged. Its reach was spectacular, and the mere presence of its fleets in a system were felt and feared. At its height, the sheer size and cost of such a space armada exceeded that of all major galactic nations combined. Leading the Directorate is the Executive Council which is made up of representatives from each division. From their ranks is chosen one person - once every 5 years - to serve as the High Executor. This person is tasked with ensuring and extending the reach of the Directorate, and in turn, the reach of the executives themselves. It is a role few can play, for the politics of such a vast empire are difficult to navigate, and the slightest upset can cause the other executives to turn their backs on the presiding High Executor, resulting in a short reign. Today the stakes have never been higher. The largest faction within the Directorate - the Weebs - have broken off to form the Weeb Collective, and they have taken a good chunk of the executives and many of the best admirals with them to lead the Weeb Armada with many more conversion stories since the split. The split happened just as the current High Executor - Ayo Chune - began his first term. Due to overwhelming pressure from what was left of the council, he declared total war on the new Weeb Collective. He has just begun his third term, and most certainly his last if he cannot end the bloody civil war. Act I. A Weeb Among Us Scene I Like many times before, the Executive Council has been called together by Ayo Chun, only this time it is to hear the fate of Grand Admiral Quad Starstruck. The council room is less than two-thirds full for this gathering. Starstruck stands in the center of the room, his face fully covered as always. Vice Admiral Sam Hammich stands to his left, loyal to a fault and ridiculously tiny. Ayo Chun looks on with hands the size of a non-stick omelette pan. Ayo Chune (Wayne): “Leaders of this great and noble Directorate, I have called you here today for a most unfortunate of meetings. My old friend - Grand Admiral Quad Starstruck - has been charged by the council at large of total failure to halt Weeb expansion, and has tasked me with deciding on the issue. Some cited evidence includes the sacking of the Third Fleet, the failure to adequately protect one of our largest resource collection facilities on the outer planet Stela, and most recently, the escape of Weeb Grand Admiral Ulmec after a failed encirclement of his forces near the star system Ka Ata. What have you to say for yourself?” A light grumbling can be heard throughout the council, many just learning of Ulmec’s escape. Quad Starstruck (Quill): “Oh council, my council - this is a difficult situation to be in, but setbacks are to be expected in a war of this scale. For now I have but one request, and that is for you gaze upon my face.” Quad Starstruck tears the veil from his face and exposes himself in all his rancid glory. Quad Starstruck: “Do you see these wrinkles? Do you see these bags? Do you see how grey my skin has become? Do you see these moles? Infected scabs? Fever blisters? Crow’s feet? Liver spots? My hair is already losing its color for Christ’s sake! I’m not even that old!” Gasps and heaves echo throughout the room as the executives look at his face. I mean, they’d seen some battle-worn faces before but holy crap, this was a whole new level. This was even worse than the time that one crazy guy brought his dead dog before the council. That thing had to have been dead for 2 whole weeks at least. How did he even get past security, anyway? Quad Starstruck: “LOOK INTO MY EYES - LOOK AT MY PAIN. I USED TO BE BEAUTIFUL. I USED TO BE LOVED. THIS IS WHAT THE WEEBS HAVE DONE. I WANT THEM DEAD MORE THAN ANYONE IN THIS ROOM. I’VE TAKEN MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE OF BULLETS FOR THIS DIRECTORATE.” Random Executive: *Covered in projectile vomit* “No more! I have a wife and kids!” Aya Chune: “I demand there be order in this council! We’re more respectable than this! Starstruck, cover your face right this instant or I’ll lose all my sympathy for you. That was worse than the time you asked the whole chat about the color of their… nevermind. Anyway, my closest advisors have suggested that I execute you and replace you with your Vice Admiral here.” Quad Starstruck: “Replaced by Sam Hammich? He wouldn’t last a day without me! Just look at him - he’s practically a sandwich.” Sam’s tiny figure fidgets a little, his buttery, golden-brown, perfectly crunchy skin glistening in the artificial light of the council room. The finest oven-- tanning booth couldn’t replicate such a look. Aya Chune: “Enough. Despite the recommendation, I have decided otherwise. You’ve been a good friend to me in the past. A bit odd. Sometimes downright insane. Sometimes lovable. Mostly feisty. A little bitter. Suicidal, at times. And dear gods, that one time you clogged the--” Quad Starstruck: “Get on with it.” Aya Chune: “You get this one last chance, Starstruck. Fail us again and you will be swiftly replaced. This civil war has already dragged on for far too long, and our debt is only growing. I want you to bring Ulmec and Diddly to me, alive. They must be dealt with separately from the rest of those putrid Weebs. And extremely, ridiculously important: I want…………….” Starstruck’s eyes gleam in the sunlight even though there’s absolutely no sunlight in this room. His gaze is fixed on Ayo Chune’s gigantic hands. Quad Starstruck’s Thoughts: “Sometimes I miss the warmth of those massive hands. I remember laying on top of them under the stars while I babbled about nothing. Why did we even break up anyway? Oh yeah, he’s greasy… and sticky.” *Shudders* Aya Chune: “Starstruck, have you heard a word I’ve said?” Quad Starstruck: “Every last one, Executor. Even that last part.” Aya Chune: “Good, you’re dismissed. The council and I have other matters to attend to, like that whole debt thing I mentioned earlier.” Quad Starstruck: “Understood.” Starstruck proceeds to pick up his Vice Admiral, place him back in his handy little resealable bag and leave the executives behind. Their ship is waiting for them just outside and it takes them only a short while to reach it. Its pilot is to take them back into orbit where the fleet is stationed. Quad Starstruck: “Hey, sorry about that whole sandwich thing back there. I mean you really would get eaten in a heartbeat if I was gone, but still.” Sam Hammich (Scorched): “Forget about it. I got that so much in high school that I guess I just got used to it after a while. Come to think of it, people pretty much called me everything except Sam: Nick, Jonathan, Sandwich, Lil Debbie. But that’s all behind me now. What’s the plan?” Quad Starstruck: “I’m determined to capture Ulmec first. That slippery Weeb has outmaneuvered me for the last time. ALL FLEETS IN ACTION. NOTHING HELD BACK.” Sam Hammich wipes spittle from his face. Quad Starstruck: “But first we’re gonna pay a visit to Stini Fam and enlist his fleet. He owes the Directorate a lot of credits.” Sam Hammich: “Hmmm, hopefully he hasn’t gone the way of the Weeb. Such a trend, wow. Follow us. We have anime.” Quad Starstruck: “DEATH TO THE WEEBS. ALL HANDS ON DECK. SHELTER THE INNOCENT IN THE ANTI-WEEB FORTRESS. NO MORE WEEB CONVERSION STORIES.” As Starstruck goes full Guac Rage Mode, their ship takes them into orbit and boards the DGS Axiom, one of the Directorate’s latest Infinity-class capital ships which ranks as the most feared of capital ships in the whole galaxy. Along its side, inscribed right next to the ship’s name, reads “IF WE GOT RID OF THE BRONIES, WE CAN GET RID OF THE WEEBS.” Scene 2 Ah, the bridge of the DGS Axiom. At this time the various officers, pilots and guards sit at ease. All is at peace, as it should be. Officer Lang: “Hey Stain, I just realized something.” Officer Stain: “Oh yeah? Shoot.” Lang: “After all this time, I’ve never asked you what your first name is.” Stain: *Smiling* “Wanna guess?” Lang: “No, not really.” Stain: “Oh, people usually go for that. My first name’s actually Precious, but I’ve always just gone by Stain for obvious reasons.” Lang: “Precious? My mom used to have a goat named Precious - very uncommon name. Poor thing got run over by a tractor. Didn’t die though, just a little brain damaged. Really brain damaged, actually. It somehow got its big fat head stuck between two metal bars and we didn’t find it for three days.” Stain: “Gods beyond, was it dead when you found it?” Garbled mumbling pries its way into the room. Lang: “Do you hear that?” Stain: “Way to change the subject.” Lang: “No seriously, listen.” The garbled mumbling levels up and earns the almost-audible under-breath whispering perk. Stain: “Oh nevermind, I do hear it.” Lang: “I don’t understand, this room’s sound-proof. Guards!--” Just then, the main doors to the bridge slide open. Quad Starstruck (Quill): ...AND IF ANYONE EVEN DREAMS I’D LEAVE A SINGLE WEEB STANDING WITHOUT AT LEAST CHOKING THEM ON THEIR OWN KIDNEYS, I MIGHT AS WELL BE QUEER IN EVERY SENSE. Sam Hammich (Scorched): God-forsaken Weebs… Everyone in the room jumps to attention and salutes the two admirals. Quad Starstruck: “At ease. Well, good news for all you sods: I’m obviously not dead yet, and I’m somehow still in charge. Our first order of business is to get in touch with Stini Fam and pay him a visit. He has a debt to repay.” Lang: “How shall we go about it?” Quad Starstruck moves swiftly, and soon he is upon Officer Lang. Lang is visibly confused yet strangely intrigued. Who is this man? Quad Starstruck: “It is simple, my darling. You see, we have a backdoor method of contacting Stini Fam. It was arranged after we became his largest source of loans without contest. It’s in the lower part of the ship in a room which I call the red room.” Lang: “The wed wo-hmm--” Quad Starstruck’s gentle hand covers Officer Lang’s face, muffling his words. Lang can’t help but notice how soft his hand is. He must use a lot of lotion. Quad Starstruck: “Shhh. It will all make sense soon enough.” Quad moves back to the center of the room, leaving a trail of glitter over Officer Lang’s lower face. Quad Starstruck: “Alright, logistics: the only one in this room who speaks Volcano is Sam, so naturally he’ll be the one to go to the red room and contact Fam. Once we know his location, Sam and I will be paying him a visit. In the meantime I want this fleet moved to the outer edges of this system - Lang will stay behind to coordinate this. The rest of the officers are to follow me to the war room. I have plans.” Scene 3 Meanwhile, the crew aboard the WCS Infinite finally gets some time to relax from their normal campaigns. The Infinite is one of the Weeb’s own Infinity-class capital ships, and the Infinite is special as it is the sister ship to the DGS Axiom. They were built as a pair after the Directorate first unveiled the new line of ships. It once commanded the First Fleet of the Directorate before the fleet itself fell into Weeb hands. Right now, Vice Admiral Bastion Smoke sits in the nearly-deserted bridge of the ship. In his lap sits Freedom, his cat. It used to be named Mittens until the split from the Directorate, at which point the name was changed. Not too far away is Scoot, the ship’s K-4SO droid. The K-4SO line was designed to be a new wave of mechanized war machines, but no one knows what happened with Scoot. His job mainly consists of piloting the ship. Scoot (Gnu): *Speaking to himself* “Sweet wifi, send your signal unto me, for the sins of my enemies must be baptised in blood and fear.” Bastion Smoke (Magery): *Stops petting his cat* “Wait, what was that?” Scoot: “I think the wifi’s down. I can’t connect.” Bastion Smoke: “No, what was the second part? Something about blood and fear.” Scoot: “I don’t remember that part. Am I ok? I mean are you ok?” Bastion Smoke: *Resumes petting his cat* “I’m fine. I don’t know about you though. =P” Scoot: “Yeah, I’m great. Wifi’s dead though, so looks like I have nothing to do.” Bastion Smoke: “Well, the ship’s not in motion. You could go into hibernation mode.” Scoot: “Sometimes I wish life was that easy. I’m a raging insomniac at this point.” Bastion Smoke: “How so? You’re a robot. It’s not like you have to /fall/ asleep.” Scoot: “Actually, that’s where you’re wrong. I’m not a robot.” Bastion Smoke: *Stops petting his cat* “Not a robot? What are you then?” Scoot: “Same as you, I’m a Weeb through and through. I watch anime, and I feel things while I watch it - a lot of things.” Bastion Smoke: “Of course, I don’t deny that. It’s just that you’re mistaken in thinking that Weeb is an actual race. It’s more of a collection.” Scoot: “Well, that collection includes me. I am not a robot.” Bastion Smoke: “You’re half right. Look, you’re the only one here that can connect directly to wifi.” Bastion Smoke pulls out his phone. His cat falls off his lap due to the quickness of his movement. It makes a sort of plopping noise because it’s kind of a fat cat. Not too fat though. Not diabetes level fat. Bastion Smoke: “This connects to wifi, and it’s computer. You connect to wifi, because you’re basically an advanced computer.” Scoot: “I dream, Bastion. Last night I dreamed I was sailing across a vast ocean while it rained cheese, and I ate all of it. I ate all the cheese, Bastion. The dream ended the next day with me being constipated. I sat there on the toilet for hours crying, and it just wouldn’t come out.” Bastion Smoke: *Laughing* “That’s disgusting, Scoot. It doesn’t matter what you are. You’re one of the biggest Weebs I know, and definitely the best pilot I’ve met.” The central console begins beeping to notify the crew of an incoming transmission. Bastion Smoke stands up and walks a few feet from his chair. Bastion Smoke: “Go ahead and answer it, Scoot.” Scoot: “Yes, sir. It’s from the Office of the Dictator.” The beeping stops and a coordinator’s holographic image appears. Coordinator: “Greetings to the crew of the WCS Infinite, I am contacting you on behalf of Dictator Diddly Koara. I have a stupidly short message from him.” Bastion Smoke: “This is Vice Admiral Bastion Smoke. What is the message?” Coordinator: “Koara has requested the immediate presence of yourself and Grand Amiral Ulmec Shauer Thots. You are to report to his dictatorial palace in the capital city of Scythe. Further details will be furnished upon your arrival. That is all.” Bastion Smoke: “Understood, thank you.” The holographic image ceases to be. Scoot: “You’re both gonna get skewered.” Bastion Smoke: “I certainly hope not.” Scoot: “Hope not what?’ Bastion Smoke: “Nevermind. I’ll go and notify the Grand Admiral myself. He’s in the shower, and it’s too dangerous for anyone else to interrupt him right now.” With that, Bastion Smoke hastily exits the bridge. Scene 4 There are thousands upon thousands of rooms in an Infinity-class ship, but we’re in a special one in particular: the bathroom. But not just any bathroom - it’s the tiniest bathroom on the entire ship. It’s empty right now, but give it just a bit: 3…… 2…… 1…… The door opens and Grand Admiral Ulmec Shauer Thots steps into the room, closing and locking the door behind him. He seems particularly tired tonight. For example, his eye bags are just a little bit baggier today. Plus they jiggle a little while he walks, but they always do that. Just thought I’d point it out. At the moment, Ulmec is wearing his full uniform, but his Admiral’s hat has been left behind for the time being. Ulmec Shauer Thots (Kyr): “Oh crap, that Chinese food’s coming back.” Ulmec’s face begins contorting and he stands in a really awkward pose. Good thing no one but us can see him, right? Ulmec Shauer Thots: “Phew, that was a close one. Bought myself maybe 20 minutes.” Ulmec places his right hand in the center of his coat, and with one arm movement he tears everything he is wearing off, making a super dramatic ripping sound. Underneath is his bathing suit just to avoid certain mental images. Rumor has it that Ulmec takes showers for about 36 hours each day during his off time. I bet he looks like a raisin when he’s done. Ulmec’s Thoughts: *Stepping in the shower* “Jesus, what a trainwreck of a week-- AHH COLD, THE WATER’S COLD.” Ulmec adjusts the temperature really fast just to get out of the cold. Ulmec’s Thoughts: “Ok, better-- AAAH NOW IT’S TOO HOT, IT’S LIKE MOLTEN LAVA.” This continued for several minutes before he finally got it just right. Ulmec’s Thoughts: *Red from the temperature changes* “Why is it that some showers are either freezing cold or hot as the sun? Then the just right portion is like, a millimeter wide in between the two.” Ulmec adjusts his body so that the water’s hitting his stomach. Ulmec’s Thoughts: “I wish I had more time for these. I’m so sick of being on campaign. It’s like having to mod NCSB, except I get paid to be miserable.” There is a brief moment where Ulmec just stares blankly at the tiles in front of him. Ulmec’s Thoughts: “You know, I think this is when I do my best thinking. Like this is where I came up with the idea to use the PowerVAC to suck up all that silly string from our New Year’s Eve party last year. God that was fun. The silly string was fun too. But seriously, what if I somehow made it so I could give orders from the shower? We’d have probably won the war by now.” Ulmec turns back around and moves forward just a little bit so that the water is solidly hitting his lower back. Ulmec’s Thoughts: “It’s funny, I feel fine now that I’m comfy in the water, but as soon as I step out it’ll be like an immediate wall of despair. If I felt the same way as I did while MAKING the plans in the shower as I did when I was actually out experiencing said plans, this would be a very different life. A very different life indeed.” Ulmec steps backward until the water is hitting his neck. He kind of arches his head downwards and pretends he’s getting a neck massage. Ulmec’s Thoughts: “You know what, I bet when they started selling juiced fruit, that was the greatest thing ever invented. Then they one-upped it by selling sliced bread, and the rest is history. Crap, now I want some bread. I wonder if anyone else imagines they’re in prison when they eat one of those loaves of bread from Costco without any other food. It’s funny because I did that the other day, but I was driving in my own car. It’s like the exact opposite of being in prison.” Ulmec’s heart starts beating super hard and fast after sitting for a while with the water hitting his neck. Anyone else get that? Anyway, he steps forward again to cool off while the water hits his legs. Ulmec’s Thoughts: “That would be so weird if you could connect with other people’s thoughts while they were taking a shower at the same time as you. You’d just call their name. Like, ‘Hey, Volcano, are you taking a shower?’” Volcano’s Thoughts: “Wait, who is this? O_o” Ulmec Shauer Thots: “Oh my god I’ve gone too far. I’ve finally gone too far in the shower.” A forceful knocking is heard over the sound of the water. Bastion Smoke (Magery): “Hey, we got a message from the dictator.” Ulmec Shauer Thots: *Heard nothing* “Wait, what? I can’t hear you. This better be extremely important to be interrupting my shower.” Bastion Smoke: “It is. It’s the dictator- we got a message from the dictator.” Ulmec Shauer Thots: *Irritated* “OK, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. Say it again, but louder this-- you know what, I’m just gonna have to turn off the shower.” Ulmec reluctantly turns off the shower. Ulmec Shauer Thots: “Ok, what did you say?” Bastion Smoke: “We just received a message from the dictator in Scythe. He’s requested that the both of us report there immediately so we can meet with him.” Ulmec Shauer Thots: “Oh ok, I mean I guess that’s important enough to interrupt my shower for… I guess. Go ahead and have a transport shuttle prepared for immediate takeoff. I’ll be out in just a sec.” Bastion Smoke: “Right, I’ll contact docking station 12. See you soon.” Scene 5 A light pitter-patter fills your ears like gentle rain on concrete. We rejoin our tiny Weeb exterminator as he sprints down the halls of the lower parts of the DGS Axiom. As he runs, a slight crunching can be heard. This is the mark of proper toasting - never settle for anything less. He turns several corners: first right, then two lefts. Wait, I think that last left should’ve been a right. Nevermind he’s right, I have no idea what I’m talking about. He bolts by officers and pilots and engineers, some of whom recognize him in the brief second and manage a half-salute. Others stare, mouths watering. Sam Hammich’s Thoughts (Scorched): “Just gotta go in there and call him. Don’t even think about it. You’ve got this. Just remember: everything in Volcano has a surface meaning and a deeper meaning. Plus you used to be his friend, what are you even worried about?!” Sam1 to Ham: “You’re gonna screw this up like that time you nearly flipped your car.” Ham to Sam1: “That was yesterday.” Sam1 to Ham: “See? Can’t even go a day without messing something up.” Sam1 to Sam2: “What if he trips and flakes everywhere?” Sam2 to Sam1: “Oh man, I would LOVE to see that. 50 bucks he can’t even reach the phone once he gets into the room.” Sam3 to All: “Even if he reaches the phone I’ll bet his buttered fingers cause him to slip. Like grab - woops! Grab - woops! Grab - WOOPS!” Sam1: “Remember that one time they had to order him a high chair for the executive feast?” Sam3: “The only reason he didn’t need one after that was because they made him a special chair. It’s like all leg.” Sam2: “Leg for days.” Ham: “Guys.” Sam4: “When was the last time he even talked to Fam?” Sam3: “2 years?” Sam2: “No I think it’s 3 now.” Sam1: “I doubt Fam even knows who he is anymore.” Ham: “GUYS.” Sam Hammich makes another sharp right and barrels forward, trying to keep his focus with all his might. The door to the red room is just ahead. Sam4: “Hah, he’s gonna need the door guard to lift him up. There’s a password. What even is that thing anyway?” Sam2: “Melt my cheese if I know.” Door Guard: *Salutes* “Sir! Will you need a lift?” Sam Hammich: “Please.” Sam4: “Told you.” Sam1: “Yeah, you called it.” The door guard lifts Sam Hammich up. Sam types in the first number in as Sam2 shouts random numbers in his ear like the mature adult he is. Sam Hammich: “I’LL RUIN YOU IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP!” Door Guard: “Sir?!” Sam Hammich: “Don’t mind me, I’m insane.” As Sam types in the last digit, the door slides open revealing a completely red room. In the center sits the legendary red phone which serves as the direct line to Stini Fam… on a raised table. Scene 6 The war room is packed full of officers with Quad Starstruck standing at the head of the assembly. They are gathered around the holomap which contains the most recently updated galactic map of everything the Directorate currently knows about the state of the galaxy. Quad Starstruck (Quill): “Next, our ships will advance upon the Yandere system.” Officer Stain: “Yandere system? What’s the thought process there?” Quad Starstruck: “Simple: those space Weebs probably still think I don’t know what a yandere is. They think their precious yanderes are safe. They’re wrong, of course. :D I just learned what they are the other day.” Officer KillThemAll: “How will we do it?” Quad Starstruck: “Dildos.” Officer KillThemAll: “Wait.” Quad Starstruck: “They’ve made progress by leaps and bounds since the 21st century.” Officer KillThemAll: “What.” Quad Starstruck: “Essentially, I want to mobilize fleets 4 and 5-” Quad points to the further sectors of the Directorate’s empire. Quad Starstruck: “-which will require executive approval, and move them from a defensive posture to an offensive posture closer towards where we need them. If Stini Fam comes through - may he choke on his inner thigh if he doesn’t - we’ll use his ships in part to offset the loss of the Third Fleet, and also in part to aid our fleet in the assault on the SOE system.” Officer Lane: “I propose we also request permission mobilize a part of the Eighth and Eleventh Fleets. They’re sitting in a relatively difficult to attack system. Maybe we could use them to open a third front or simply to bolster an existing front.” Quad Starstruck: “We can add it to the proposal. The goal is to abuse our numbers advantage with these multiple fronts. I highly doubt they’ll be able to defend everything - they’ll have to fail somewhere. Once we’ve torn a hole in their defenses, we’ll suck their insides out.” Quad starts making slurping noises. Officer KillThemAll: “Assuming all fronts are successful, what’s next?” The camera zooms in slowly on Quad’s face until the zoom feature won’t let us zoom anymore. Quad Starstruck: “Weeb… barbeque…” Scene 7 The Door Guard places Sam Hammich on the raised table. He’s stuck there now. Sam Hammich’s Thoughts (Scorched): *Reaching for the phone* “Remember: speaking in Volcano is like having two conversations at once. You’ll do fine.” Sam3: “Grab - woops! Grab - woops!” Ham: “Enough of that or we’re baked.” Sam Hammich grabs the phone and it slips right out of his buttered hands. Sam3: “Grab - WOOPS!” Sam Hammich: “Jesus Christ. I think I have a paper towel in these crusty pockets…” Sam rummages through his pockets, failing 3 whole Search checks before he finally finds it. God. He places the paper towel between his hand and the phone and proceeds to pick it up. With minor hesitation, he presses ‘Call Fam’ and ringing is heard. Sam2: “CHOKE!” Sam3: “CHOKE!” Sam1: “CHOOOOKEE!” Sam4: *Gagging noises* Ham: “WE’RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE--” Stini Fam (Volcano): “Hello, I’m playing Civ 5.” Translation: Stini Fam here, who am I speaking to? Sam Hammich: “SUP FAM!!! This is Sam Hammich from the Academy! Remember me? We used to play Starcraft on the weekends.” Translation: Hello Fam, this is Sam Hammich, Vice Admiral to Grand Admiral Quad Starstruck of the Directorate. I am calling on behalf of the vast debt you owe to us. Stini Fam: “HAMMICH-CHAN!! Lmao those were the days. What have you been up to?” Translation: Ah, I see. Sam Hammich of the Directorate. Well, speak. What do you need? Sam Hammich: “Rofl I know. I haven’t been up to much. Hey, I’m gonna be playing again soon if you want.” Translation: We’re playing Quad’s game now. He needs to speak to you in-person as soon as possible. Stini Fam: “Yeah sure. I’m not at home right now, but definitely once I’m back to the city we can play.” Translation: In-person? Look, I don’t have the money right now. I can have a portion of it by the time you guys come, but definitely not the whole thing. Sam Hammich: “Sounds good Famkins. I still don’t know what a kin is. Also no clue what a Dandere is. How’ve you been, by the way?” Translation: You don’t need to have the money. From my understanding, he wants you to pay in the form of assistance. The war is intensifying, and you have more connections than anyone else. Stini Fam: “I’m fine. Kin is like… familia. Kinda. Dandere is like a mix of a dandelion and a deer.” Translation: Oh, you need assistance? That I can do, but I’ll need a little time to get in contact with the right people. It’ll just depend on exactly the kind of help you guys need. I’ll send you my coordinates. Just remember that I’ll be stationed on that one ship where only tiny 2-person escape pod-sized ships can dock. Sam Hammich: “DANDERE FAMILIA! I haven’t seen a dandelion or a deer in a long time. So good to know they both coexist within you. :D” Translation: I never understood why that ship can only allow escape pods to dock with it. Those things are so uncomfortable. D: Stini Fam: “xD” Translation: All in the name of security. A lot of people want me dead. It’s bad enough that I’m sending you my actual coordinates. I’ll have to jump right after you guys are done. Sam Hammich: “Lol” Translation: Fair enough. See you soon. Sam Hammich proceeds to hang up the phone and signal for the Door Guard to come pick him up and place him back on the ground so he can sprint to the war room and tell Quad the news. They have a date with Fam. Scene 8 After a time, the main entrance to the war room opens and Sam Hammich slips in, his mission complete. By now Quad Starstruck is standing on the table while he points at stuff. Quad Starstruck (Quill): “We’ll round them up from here, here and here, and we’ll drag all the remaining Weebs to Scythe to barbecue them.” Officer Stain: “Isn’t that cannibalism, though?” Quad Starstruck: “They revoked their humanity once they became Weebs.” Officer KillThemAll: “Alright, I’m officially down. This plan is awesome. I wish you’d come up with it sooner.” Quad jumps down from the table. Quad Starstruck: “That’s essentially the whole plan. We need to act fast, so I want Officers Stain and KillThemAll to draft the report to submit to the council. We need their approval for some of the fleet movements. Everyone else is dismissed.” The room begins to empty as the officers head back to their posts. Quad spots Sam and heads over to him. Quad Starstruck: “Go wild, what did he say?” Sam Hammich (Scorched): “We’re in business. He gave us the coordinates for his current location, so we can leave to meet him immediately.” Quad Starstruck: “EXCELLENT.” Sam Hammich: “One problem though - he still requires us to board him with a ship the size of an escape pod. So…” Quad Starstruck: “My life is a disaster.”Category:Paro Category:Parody